11 dec 2025, 4:12pm
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i dont have enough self discipline to save my life. 2026 is only getting closer and i've yet to start on any of the artworks for my art assignment, and its seriously stressing me out. it's just a loop of avoiding work because i don't know what to do, and not knowing what to do because i keep avoiding work. i keep trying but every idea i have seems to keep falling flat, and then i get demotivated and feel like i've failed.
i hate dwelling on things i didn't do, but i really wish i got that camera i wanted for my birthday. i didn't know which i wanted to get because of so many specifications to the point of overwhelming me, so i ended up forgetting it. but now i'm left with my shitty phone camera that can't take decent pictures, so my artwork quality is gonna be impacted and as a result my confidence levels will plummet. its so frustrating
i don't know if i want to ask my teacher for help. it seems to me that this is something i can't get too much help from, but i'm really not sure if this warrants guidance or not. i tried to hint to her that i might not have the most time and the fastest speed, but either she didn't catch it or she still expects me to finish five preps by 2026. i want to break down, but not even that would help me feel better. i'm really bad at communication. i know that. but its so hard, and especially when i feel like i'm just gonna be perceived as weak and too soft to handle the stress, it's even harder to ask for help.
i keep considering dropping art as a subject altogether and just wait until university to take it as a major, but i don't have any other subjects i want to take. but i dont want to be questioned about why i dropped, what i was thinking, all that bullshit. i hate it.
every entry i make about my stupid art assignment is almost always when im stressing over it. is that a sign i should quit? i've barely started, and yet i feel like i can't do it anymore. but if i quit, i just feel like a failure. especially when art is my whole thing, i feel like quitting meant something went wrong somewhere and im just not cut out to be an artist.
if i wanted to ask for help, what would i even say? "hey, uh, i'm a bit lost and my camera's too shitty to take quality photos and i actually suck at fine arts, not to mention i'm slow at painting and rely on spontaneous bursts of motivation to actually get any work done"
but then i'd just be hit with "this is part of art, just figure stuff out yourself, use someone else's phone, learn and develop your skills in fine art, discipline yourself better", and how would that be of any help??
i tried to write down tasks for myself, but im lost on how to complete those too. it's not specific enough, so i don't know when i've finished. its pathetic. im pathetic for needing specific instructions written down for me, else i'm just aimlessly wandering around and being generally useless. i dont know
fuck it. fuck it. crying about it wont do shit. if i need a five hundred step instruction on what i need to get done, i'll write it myself. im going to borrow my dad's camera to take the pictures tonight. i'll ask before dinnertime so i can get it done right after eating. i still need to figure out how to make the subject matter and techniques work in prep one so i have ample observational skills displayed but still be able to incorporate the technique i chose for my topic, so i'll have to brainstorm that tonight too. i'll need to think of the missing subject matter for prep 2 as well. once i've photographed what i can for prep 1 and 2 i'm done with the task, everything else is generally more or less the same. if i still have time after that, i should get to doing digital mockups of what the artworks might look for prep 1 and 2.
hopefully i can finish the mockups for all five preps by saturday or sunday, and then send them to my teacher asap. then i'll start on actually drawing my prep 1. maybe i should send the mockups for prep 1 + 2 to my teacher first, then ask if i can start drawing so i can save time while waiting for her reply. i guess. i guess
please please please just work out, nothing ever goes the way i want it to, but thats always my fault