24 nov 2025, 9:44am
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i'm trying so hard to just come up with something for my project but it's not working out at all. i usually rely on days where im running on a creative brain and have enough mental energy to work on projects like these, but it's obviously not sustainable. despite that it's still so hard to actually make any progress on the days where i feel so mentally and especially creatively drained. i didn't sleep well last night, i kept subconciously trying not to lie on my piercings lol..
i really want to finish at least the planning part before i travel, because it would really suck to be thinking about it the whole trip. it doesn't help that i'll be starting the school year late next year for complicated reasons, so i'll have to catch up with five a2 sized pages of work while everyone else in my class will already be moving on with the sixth and more. i'm also not as confident in my fine art skills as i should be, which makes me taking art sound like a really stupid decision, but i'm determined to go through it all the way. i just sometimes wonder whether i'm making the right decisions in life, but there's no way to know that now.
every task seems so intimidating. i could break them down into smaller parts, of course, but even that needs me to be in the right state of mind to do, because that in itself is intimidating. it's so dumb, but i dont know what to do about it. it's bad enough that i don't want to think sometimes, just let myself blankly stare at a screen for hours on end.
every day i waste telling myself "i'll wait until tomorrow, maybe i'll feel better to work on it" is another day i could've been taking a rest if only i had just finished it earlier. but regretting stuff like that is pointless, so i try not to do it.
i'll write a to-do list later. maybe it'll get me more motivated to do something. it's better i act on it at all than do nothing and be the most miserable guy on the planet. thats boring, and i don't want to be a boring person.