27 june 2026, 10:20am
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soo yeah my summer holiday has officially begun yayppee ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و i was so tired yesterday from travelling back home that i slept in until like 8:45am which isn't as late as one might think but considering i've been waking up around 8am and sometimes before on weekends living in dorms it definitely feels like i could've continued sleeping past 9 if i hadn't been woken up by my sibling lol
but now im sat here in front of my laptop and suddenly experiencing the most severe cases of "oh shit should i do this or that or that or" and it's so overwhelming just thinking about it .i made a list of the stuff i have to do and it's not helping by any means because on one hand i feel like i have sooo much time for everything but at the same time im freaking out because all the prep i have to do for the new school year is a lot longer than i'd imagined in my head. sometimes you just live and find out that having free time is just as stressful as not having any at all
i'm also feeling kind of overstimulated(?) at how much activity there is around me now that im back home. i think maybe it's just me still being tired even if i dont physically feel it but usually on weekend mornings it's very quiet in my room and i just kinda do my own thing. maybe i regret not bringing back my noise cancelling headphones just a little bit,but luggage space wouldn't have allowed me to either way
i decided to write an entry to work out what my priorities and stuff are because that's pretty much how i always do it when im feeling overwhelmed. im never sure if it works at all but i guess it's better than sitting and being paralysed by all the things i have and want to do. i'm aware of the fact that i could do journalling instead but to be frank with u putting content on my website makes me happy (‘’❛ - „)ᕗ
anyhow. my number one priority is my art project which i Love to rant about every day to the point of boring even myself. "ahh so much work ahh no time" yea sure bro. but now is not the time for me to complain, just to lay out what i have to do for the summer. and for this first thing i need to buy oil paints, but i'm not sure if the local bookstore has the brand i want, so i'm delaying buying them online until i can hopefully go visit maybe today or tomorrow. but until then i can't work on my painting, so maybe i can do additional sketches for another painting as well.
if possible i'd like to do two paintings by the first week of july, but knowing myself i'm always setting unrealistic goals and deadlines that i'll never fulfil.. though i'm hoping with oil paints i can work faster. i'll decide whether i want to go ahead with a third painting for the 6th prep sheet, but i don't think it's too necessary? so i'll leave it for when i've finished the most important parts first
for the 7th prep i need to figure out how to develop the concept from those two paintings. i think i can do a little brainstorming after i've finished with those, instead of doing it now because i think it'll be better once i've gone through the process of painting and analysing the painting process itself. also so i dont overburden myself with too much work in one go as i do other tasks for now
next on the list is also under the category of art project but consists more of the essay writing part. it's weird but essentially they way i think of it is as if i'm writing an art thesis.. regardless, i'm going to be very honest when i say this aspect of the project perhaps almost puts a crack in my resolve to never ever use generative ai. and please don't get me wrong, i still have not used any sort of artificial intelligence in my project. maybe it's the way i put it, but wording be damned. what i'm saying is when the thought of "if i just used it, i wouldn't have to worry about spending so much time on it and can focus more on the artwork to get a better grade" enters your mind, it's hard to pretend it's not there. but i understand that for this component in the project, it's the writing aspect that the examiners are looking for. the artwork is there, yes, but it's to support the writing instead of the other way round. even if this wasn't the case, i would never cave in and use ai to write for me. i'll acknowledge that the thought is there, but the most important part is maintaining my integrity in my work.
i'm really not sure how to get myself to do this part. looking at my messy ramblings i wrote a few weeks ago discourages me from ever starting to clean them up into proper prose, less because of the way i wrote my thoughts down and more because of the fact that this aspect is so important and takes so much time. i'm also stuck on whether i should do the writing first or wait till i can have all my artwork in one place, but i know from my teacher's constant reminders that waiting is never the correct choice. but once again, i'll put this off until i get the rest of my to-do list in order..
after that comes my portfolio artwork.this isn't too high on the priority list because i'm considering taking a gap year, but nevertheless i try to work on it as much as i can remember to when i can. at this stage i think i just need to finish at least 2 more artworks .. hopefully.. i feel like thats so not enough but idkk fuck
im literally getting more and more anxious as i write this i dont think its helping ≡(▔﹏▔)≡
okok i think i can move portfolio down a bit for now and figure out what to do with it later. more pressingly now i need to work on the boarding handbook for the next school year. i'd been procrastinating so much on this thing and im not gonna beat myself up for it but its time i do something about it. the problem is i keep wanting to make it the best version it could be ever and adding so many features because i don't want the new members of our house next year to feel disoriented like i was when i first came in, but damn it's the perfectionist mindset thing again isn't it???????
i also asked for volunteers to help me with it a few weeks ago but they haven't done anything at all. i undestand because they're probably swamped with a lot of work themselves, so i haven't tried to be pushy with them yet, but now that the holiday has started maybe i should?? idk because obviously they'll have work to do but aghh i dont wanna like. disturb them either.. but my rationale is that they volunteered to do this with me, so maybe they won't mind?? they shouldn't mind?? ahh.. i'll just give it a few days before i start nagging them about it i guess
i think i'm too focused on making it look pretty and then completely forgetting about the actual content part, but uhgdshfjkdskjsdfkj
this is the first time i've done something like this i think so it's a good experience i guess.. i just need to tell myself that when this is done i can mention it on my applications or something lmao
ok that's about all the important stuff that needs to be done before school starts. i have a few other things that aren't as urgent but i still need to be working on from time to time, but i fear that if i think about all that right now my brain might just explode and then i wont be able to finish anything because i'd be dead with my brains all over the floor and walls.
HERE COMES THE FUN PART. im going to talk about the things i Want to do and then we can all be happy o(￣▽￣)ｄ
i dont currently have any big plans for my site right now, mostly it's just me slowly tweaking pages throughout the site and making them look weirder :-] i'm still working on getting that pagedoll tutorial/guide up, so maybe i can do that. i think the main content is there, i just gotta format the page to make it easy to read the code.. stay tuned yo x
i wonder when i'll get around to adding alt text to images. i feel like when i finally resolve to do that, there'll be too many images around the site and then i'll feel discouraged and never get to it..not like my site layout allows it to be screen reader friendly anyway, but it's useful for when images fail to load for some reason. ah.. someday. maybe my brains will explode before then
gonna be honest w ya im suddenly feeling demotivated to do any personal projects as soon as i finished writing the previous paragraph. fuck what do i do
ok just gonna list the stuff very briefly and not go into too much detail until i figure out whether i really want to do it or not but 1) make poseable dolls 2) actually participate in artfight 3) ?? idk anymore what did i want to do when i was swamped with 10 billion assignments again.
maybe make more stickers, maybe diy and paint my jeans, maybe make more silly clay crafts, maybe diy badge pins. maybe i need to step away from art for a while, but what do i do then?? i do read sometimes.. i haven't been doing any creative writing for a while now, but then again, its another creative thing...
i wrote "learn to cook" on my bucket list.. everything else is either go somewhere or do this other art related thing. im just now realising how much of my life revolves around art and its weird to think about
i also dont feel like doing alot of these things cuz it requires me to buy materials or something. uhfdufdhfh this entry is getting way longer than my lifespan ok i need to move away from the screen for a moment i think and maybe journalling is the way to go.. but ive already written all of that here so i'll just like. stare into space or something. i started writing this at 10:20 am but its like 11:30 rn oops. maybe eating lunch will help reset my brain. ok bye
ps i lied in my previous blog entry title that i was "so ready for the summer holiday" IM NOT as u can tell from this entry